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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26885578">my eyes on you (and your heart in my hands)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garecc/pseuds/Garecc'>Garecc</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garecc/pseuds/Gunpowderdtim'>Gunpowderdtim (Garecc)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Ready, Aim, Fire [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Mechanisms (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(bertie and its in the past), (jonny), (kinda. basically jonny low key grounds himself by clawing his arm), (tim. tries to claw out his eyes), (tims eyes), Angst, Arguing, Asexual Character, Chronic Pain, Communication, Crying, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Immortality, Immortals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kissing, M/M, Minor Character Death, Near Death Experiences, Post-War, Self-Harm, Tim is mechanized, Trauma, Undeath, War, as in recounting the kaisers lifepod, blood mention, his eyes must hurt so much ;;;;;;;;;;;;, kinda theyre finally dating in a non-war context, referenced time travel, the new tim lore fucks with me, this is entirely sfw</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:07:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,401</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26885578</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garecc/pseuds/Garecc, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garecc/pseuds/Gunpowderdtim</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Tims eyes hurt, Tim is angry at Jonny (and the others, but mostly Jonny) for mechanizing him horribly, and Tim and Jonny actually communicate.</p><p>Basically, Tim has chronic pain from his eyes, then Jonny comes in with a gift to maybe make things somewhat better between them. They communicate about their issues, and cuddle after.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jonny d'Ville &amp; Gunpowder Tim, Jonny d'Ville/Gunpowder Tim</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Ready, Aim, Fire [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1799860</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>165</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>my eyes on you (and your heart in my hands)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>With the Tim's eyes are body horror lore, I figured they must hurt. Alot. And i figure that Tim wears his goggles bc he hates how his eyes look. And also its hearteyes</p><p>sort of a companion to my fic <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26731543">hurtling through space (while wondering whats next)</a> in the sense that i reference some of the events that happen in the kaisers spacepod. this is an alternate ending tho</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tim looked into the mirror.</p><p>His reflection gazed back.</p><p>The eyes, or well, his <em> new </em> eyes were horrible whirring mechanical monstrosities that leered out from his eye sockets. Where his eyes were <em> supposed to be. </em></p><p>He felt sick, as he stared at them. Stared into the mirror with and at the metal horrors he now used to see. </p><p> </p><p>They hurt. Pulling at his skin and digging into the flesh <em> inside </em> his head. Stabbing into his bones.</p><p>It hurt.</p><p>If he moved his head too quickly, they poked through his skin. The sharp jagged points ripping and rending the inside of his face.</p><p>Sometimes, if he was unlucky, the edges sliced out his cheeks entirely. The skin ripping and tearing leaving bloody pits where the metal stops and flesh begins.</p><p>They <em> hurt.</em></p><p>A few days ago he had dug his fingers under them, forcing his fingers as far in as they would go as if he could <em> rip them out. </em> As if he could stop the agony. As if it did anything but make it so, so, so much worse. He’d sat collapsed on the floor nauseous and shaking for hours after.</p><p> </p><p>He hated looking at them. He hated that he had to <em> use </em>them to look at them. He hated the pitying looks the others gave him. He hated how much they hurt.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He hated them. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He grips the side of the sink tight enough that one of his nails break as he glares in contempt.</p><p>The dull pain draws his attention, and with it, he looks away. Looking at his hands.</p><p>He tried to ignore how hard they were shaking.</p><p> </p><p>He wants the eyes <em>gone</em>. He wants them out of his face. He wants them to stop hurting. He just wants <em> the pain to stop. </em></p><p> </p><p>He hates the headaches they give him. He hates how sometimes he just lays there in his bed. Sick from the pain. Too sick to eat or walk or even ask Aurora to have someone bring him painkillers as the entire world spun. Knowing that if he moved his head even a millimeter it got <em>so, so much worse.  </em></p><p> </p><p>His shoulders shake as he turns his gaze back to the mirror.</p><p>The plates shift as they focus, and the sharp pain makes him gasp, nearly drawing a sob from his chest.</p><p>He can't even fucking cry anymore. Tear ducts gone with his eyes.</p><p>Something about rust, Jonny had said. Something about salt, when he was explaining. When Tim still had hope his life wasn't going to be living hell for the rest of eternity. </p><p>But the pain hadn’t faded as Jonny said it would. It had only gotten worse and worse as his flesh mended and there was only so much Tim could take before snapping.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>"Fuck you," He'd sobbed. In too much pain to say anything but curses<em>. "</em>I hate this."</p><p>But then Jonny took his hand and pulled him into a loose hug. "I couldn't let you die." He'd said, with all the love Tim <em> knew </em> he felt in his voice. "Hate me all you want but I <em> couldn't </em> let you die. I love you."</p><p>Jonny had sounded like he was going to cry. </p><p>Everything rational in him had said to curl into his boyfriend's arms and let Jonny take care of him. Let Jonny hold him and promise away the fear. Let Jonny promise him he was safe and let himself believe it.</p><p>But everything irrational and angry, sharp and hurting-hurting-hurting had shoved Jonny back. Shaking, aching, feeling like there was molten metal inside his skull and screamed something he can't even remember as he shook. As the metallic terror shifted inside his face as he <em> looked</em>. As he swayed against the table as all there was is pain-pain-pain. </p><p>Jonny had tried to touch him, to comfort him, to fall back into the role of "Stop screaming it's just a few bullets" of "You're going to be fine, shut up." of "You two are going to get back to earth and live. It'll be great. Nice even. I don't know." of "Just keep under the lead sheet Tim you're doing fine it can't hurt you under here" of "Get your fucking respirator Tim I’m not letting you die" of "It's okay it's okay it's okay. Shh. I love you okay? I love you. I love both of you. Not in a romantic way Bertie <em> shut up </em> . Well, maybe Tim a <em> bit</em>. Bertie I <em> will </em> shove you out from under here if you don't stop smiling you piece of shit." of "Everything is going to be okay Tim. I promise. I promise I love you. I promise." of “Love, darlin', love, you're okay. You’re okay.” fall back into the role of it's-okay-I'm-here but Tim slapped Jonny's hand away, mouth pulled back into a snarl.</p><p>He wants these new fucked up horrible excuses of eyes <em> gone</em>. He wants them to <em> stop hurting</em>. He wants to <em> scream.</em> </p><p> </p><p>Jonny had looked <em> hurt. </em>"Tim-" he'd started. </p><p>"I hate you!" Tim had yelled then, arching back in a staggering attempt at fleeing. "<em>I hate you!" </em> His entire skull felt like it was cracking and falling apart. <em> Jonny had this done to him. </em></p><p>Then Jonny froze. A look Tim didn't recognize in his eyes as he stepped away. Almost scared. But resigned.</p><p>"Okay." Jonny's voice was small. Sounding almost numb. "Okay." And he'd turned and left.</p><p> </p><p>Tim had stood there, seething and scared and <em> hurting </em>until he'd sat down and started sobbing. Shaking with sobs that wracked his entire body.</p><p>Which, in the end only made his eyes hurt <em> more</em>.</p><p>Eventually, someone who introduced herself as Ivy walked in and informed him she would be taking him to his quarters. He'd stood up, and he was in far, far to much pain to argue.</p><p> </p><p>As they walked Ivy explained things. </p><p>And Tim just grew more numb.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It's been weeks since <em> Jonny </em> did this to him. Been weeks since <em> Jonny </em> brought him here. Since he pulled him out of the Kaiser's pod more than half dead and made him mechanical clicking horrors of eyes. Been weeks since he was made immortal. </p><p>Been weeks since Jonny apologized. Said he loved him. Said he couldn't let him die. </p><p>Been weeks since Tim had yelled and said he hated Jonny.</p><p>Since Jonny had walked away.</p><p> </p><p>His eyes didn't hurt any less.</p><p>(If anything, they hurt more.)</p><p>The eyes were horrific.</p><p>And Jonny had done this to him.</p><p>But despite that, despite it all, he wanted Jonny.</p><p>He wanted to curl into Jonny's arms and sob. Sob while Jonny stroked his hair and promised everything was going to be okay. </p><p>It would be a lie, but it would be a comforting one.</p><p>With a final glance into the mirror and another moment of horrifying Seeing, he stepped out of the bathroom and back into what was supposedly his room. Making his way to what was supposedly his bed.</p><p> </p><p>It was far too plush. The blankets far too soft compared to the comfortless tunnels in the moon.</p><p> </p><p>(Jonny had promised that after everything they'd get used to comforts again together. Once, after a supply shipment had some chocolate and Tim had found himself tearing up at the <em>smell</em>. Bertie had swatted his arm and made a joke about Tim getting a proper bed as the conversation wore on. Jonny had groaned and said he was far too ace for allo jokes, <em>shut up</em> <em>Bertie you're insufferable, </em>and Tim had just laughed before Jonny kissed him again to make him be quiet.)</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>He wanted Jonny.</p><p>He wanted Jonny to hold him and he wanted Jonny to press kisses to his forehead.</p><p>He wanted the happy fucking nonsense Jonny would talk about, the holding hands and the kisses. The dancing and singing and the guitar Jonny promised him once. The promises that they'd be happy in the after.</p><p> </p><p>He wanted it almost as much as he wanted Bertie back.</p><p>(Bertie had died saving Jonny. Another reason why Jonny revealing his immortality was another cruel joke. Bertie had died for nothing.)</p><p> </p><p>Looking around his room, it was practically empty.</p><p>It was depressing.</p><p>His <em> whole fucking life </em> was depressing.</p><p>He laid down on the too-soft bed and tried not to start sobbing again.</p><p>Because sometimes it makes the pain so awful that he can't even think beyond it.</p><p>His eyes <em> hurt. </em></p><p> </p><p>He just feels miserable, and despite everything, more alone than he felt after knowing he'd doomed everyone on earth.</p><p>He'd been certain that he was the last living person in the universe.</p><p>He still felt like that in a way.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>There is a knock at the door to his room.</p><p> </p><p>The sound makes him jolt, and the stabbing pain in his skull makes him audibly wince. Hands flying to his face. Nothing was torn, there was no outward blood, so Tim figured he could move without much danger or ripping his face open.</p><p> </p><p>"Um." He starts, trying to sit up. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey- uh. Tim. It's me." Jonny's voice wound its way through the door and Tim froze. "Can- uh. Can I come in?"</p><p> </p><p>Tim is torn. </p><p>On one hand, he's angry. Angry beyond measure.</p><p>On the other, he wants to curl into Jonny's arms and cry until he feels better. Which he doubts will happen so he'd just cry for the rest of eternity. Which honestly was rather appealing because Jonny would be holding him and <em>he misses Jonny.</em></p><p>"Sure." Tim says, and talking so loud makes him wince.</p><p>He hates this.</p><p> </p><p>The door to his room swings open, and it's Jonny.</p><p>It's <em> Jonny.</em></p><p> </p><p>Against his will, some terrified part of him immediately relaxes upon seeing him. </p><p>Because it's Jonny. He loves Jonny.</p><p> </p><p>Jonny winces a bit when he sees Tim, looking away. Despite the fact it was Jonny coming to <em> his </em>room. But Tim doesn't comment as he walks over. He doesn't want to start another fight. "Can I sit?" </p><p>"Yes. Sure." Tim replies, trying to not get angry or sad or any emotion really about seeing Jonny. </p><p>He loves Jonny.</p><p>Jonny sits.</p><p>He doesn't reach to touch Tim, doesn't casually grab his hand, or wrap an arm around him. </p><p>None of the casual intimacy between them Tim had grown accustomed too.</p><p>Tim knew it was his fault. His heart ached.</p><p>"I- um. I brought you a gift." Jonny mumbled, looking away. "Several. Actually. I- you don't have much. So I thought.. I should give you some things to liven up your room I guess."</p><p>Tim’s heart, entirely against his will, melts.</p><p>He loves Jonny so, so, so much.</p><p> </p><p>Jonny holds out a bag, tissue paper awkwardly stuffed into it. "I- uh. I hope you like them." He isn't looking at Tim. Isn't making eye contact.</p><p>"Is this an apology?" Tim asks.</p><p>Jonny, somehow, looks away further. </p><p>He looks small, sitting there.</p><p>"Kinda. Um. Nastya- uh. My sister. My sister is named Nastya. Have I mentioned her?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>"Okay. Well. She’s been- telling me to apologize to you and I'm sorry if you don't want me here because you hate me and I'm- I'm <em> so sorry </em> that your eyes are broken and- um. I don't know."</p><p>"Jonny.." Tim started. </p><p>"I just um. If you want me to go I will."</p><p>"You can stay." Tim said without missing a beat.</p><p>He really <em> really </em>didn't want Jonny to leave.</p><p>"Oh." Jonny’s face brightened, he smiled. Looking relieved. Tim got the sense he hadn’t expected to be allowed to stay.</p><p>That hurt. </p><p>"But. I- if you expect me to forgive you just because you gave me this, whatever it is, I can't take this." Tim said, holding the bag out again. "Not- not right now. Not yet."</p><p>"Oh! No! No, I don't. I don't expect that at all. It's- it's a gift." Jonny looked almost frantic as he spoke, hands in the air. “Not- not an apology. I mean- I am sorry? I guess? I- well. I'm not apologizing with this. It's just a gift.”</p><p>Tim almost felt like crying.</p><p>"What is it?" Tim asked, opening the bag.</p><p>"I uh. I hope you like them."</p><p>It was a pair of goggles, on the top. With other, smaller things in the bottom. </p><p>Similar to Jonny's but a different color. Tim stared at them a few seconds. Not knowing how to respond. </p><p>His eyes were metallic. </p><p>He had absolutely no use for goggles.</p><p>With every passing second, Jonny seemed to shrink a bit more.</p><p>"Jonny, <em>what</em> am I supposed to do with goggles?" Tim finally asked, breaking the silence.</p><p>"You. Um. You said- you mentioned you hate how your eyes look now to Ashes, and Ashes mentioned it to me. While I- while I can't fix that I thought maybe. I thought maybe the goggles would help? Because then you wouldn't have to look at them, and no one would see them. I don't know? Also Aurora saw something go into your eye and said it looked like it hurt so also protection? I guess? If you don't want them it's fine! Brian will take them, or, um. It's fine."</p><p>That mad sence and..</p><p>And it was <em>sweet</em>.</p><p>Tim smiled a bit because that was <em> so sweet.  </em></p><p>He might be angry at Jonny, but that's <em> sweet.</em></p><p>Without hesitating, he put the goggles on. Gritting his teeth through the pain as his eyes refocused.</p><p>Jonny looked guilty when Tim looked back, but he forged on.</p><p>"I um. They're adjustable and I made different um. Attachments? Those are in the bag. Like some pads if they hurt your face or. Different lenses as well. Other straps and-."</p><p>"Thank you." Tim cut into Jonny's nervous tirade. "I love them."</p><p>"Do you?"</p><p>"Yes. I do."</p><p>"Good. Good." Jonny looked relieved, managing a smile. "That's good."</p><p>They fell into a silence, neither of them knowing what to say or how to respond.</p><p>"I don't hate you," Tim said after the silence had dragged to a point where one of them <em> had </em>to say something, anything. "I shouldn't have said that. I'm- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't hate you. I love you."</p><p>Jonny stiffened a but, standing up. Tim’s heart dropped as he figured he’d just said the exact wrong thing, and that Jonny but Jonny didn't leave, didn't run. He merely started pacing and pretending he wasn't rubbing at his eyes. "Okay. Okay then."</p><p>"Jonny we- I think we should talk.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Jonny said, pacing somehow harder. He wrung the bottom of his shirt between his hands, pulling at the fraying edges in a way that declares it a habit “Probably.”</p><p>“Do you want me to start?”</p><p>Jonny nodded stiffly. He looked about ready to bolt. “Jonny if we can’t talk right now-”</p><p>“We can.” Jonny said firmly, stopping his pacing and turning to face Tim with an expression that reminded Tim of a spooked or cornered animal. </p><p>“We should talk later. You don't look well”</p><p>“Tim it's<em> fine</em>. I am <em>fine.</em> If you want to talk <em> we can talk. </em>I’m fine and perfectly okay. Nothing is wrong and if you want to talk just start.”</p><p>“Jonny-”</p><p>“Okay <em> fine. </em> I’ll start then! I’ll start. I love you. And I’ve never fucking loved anyone like I’ve loved you before and <em> it's really fucking weird. </em> I thought I was aro before I met you which was an <em> insane experience to have romantic attraction for the first time a few million years in. </em> And then you were <em> fucking dying </em> and you got <em> shot </em> and bullets <em> kill mortals </em> and Bertie had already died and it wasn't a fucking game anymore. And I got incinerated in the explosion and I woke up here and <em> we’d already wormholed to another fucking time or dimension or whatever the fuck. </em> Do you know how fucking hard it is to get back to a specific time, Tim? A specific time and place when infinite versions of places exist? And time is also infinite? I don't <em> know </em> how Aurora managed to get us back to then and where you were <em> but it was like a hundred fucking years for me. </em> So I got you out of the lifepod and it was the <em> best fucking moment of my life because I’m in fucking love with you. </em> Because <em> I had you. </em> You were safe and with me and not dying <em> and then I saw your eyes. </em>”</p><p>Jonny was pacing again. Going between biting his fingers and digging his nails into his arms and scalp. Tim wanted to take his hands and hold him but Jonny looked like he’d shatter if Tim touched him.</p><p>“And you know, I figured we could just mechanize your arm or something. Get Brian to make you an arm when he got back. He probably can do that. But you were dying <em> right then. </em> And <em> our fucking doctor wasn't on the ship. </em> Both of them! Just fucking gone doing something else! Brian doing his own thing with fate and life and maybe a demon I don't KNOW and doc cryptically saying she had Things to attend to! I don't know where <em> either </em> of them are and <em> you were dying in my fucking arms. </em> And there was a time limit Tim. You were dying from that bullet and your eyes were <em> the obvious option. </em> Because that's how it works. Narrative. Story. There were failed mechanisms, after me but before Nastya. <em> Their deaths were awful, slow and agonizing. </em> Practically rotting from the inside out. And I paid attention! I know how to do it and <em> the only common thread was their mechanism wasn't related to their deaths. </em> So it had to be your eyes but, <em> as said Brian wasn't here to make them. </em> So we improvised. And I'm so <em> so sorry your eyes are like this. </em> I am a selfish, awful, horrible person and I didn't want you to die, Tim. I should have let you die. <em> I should have let you die. </em> That is a fact. Instead, I’ve condemned you to immortality and dragged you down with me. And not only that <em> your eyes are broken. </em> I've not only made you immortal but <em> you're hurt. Permanently. </em>I love you. I love you so much. And I’m so fucking sorry I did this.”</p><p>Jonny finished, he stopped pacing and turned to face Tim, shoulders heaving. He looked at Tim like he expected Tim to yell at him, or tell him to get out.</p><p>Tim.. had no idea how to respond.</p><p>So after a second, he just opened his arms. “Come here.” </p><p>Jonny clearly didn't expect that, and sobbed as he stepped forward, curling into Tims’s arms.</p><p>He was shaking. Sobbing into Tim’s shoulder. </p><p>Tim just held him, and as Jonny clung, started crying a bit himself.</p><p>They stayed like that a long while.</p><p>Curled into each others arms. “M’sorry.” Jonny mumbled. “I’m sorry your eyes are awful. I just wanted you to be okay.”</p><p>“I know, Jonny,” Tim whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Jonny’s head. He was still mad, still hurting, still bitter, but he loved Jonny. He loved Jonny so much. “I know.”</p><p>“I thought I lost you.” Jonny sobbed. “I thought I was never going to see you again.”</p><p>“I’m here.”</p><p>“I love you.” He clung to Tim like if he let go, he’d vanish. Like he was everything. Tim held him a bit closer.</p><p>“I love you too, Jonny.”</p><p>“I'm so sorry your eyes hurt.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>They stayed curled up together until Jonny stopped shaking. Until Jonny pulled back and just curled against Tim’s side.</p><p> </p><p>He was so much smaller outside of the tunnels, Tim noted idly. Without the confined space making him seem larger than he is.</p><p>Tim’s arm wrapped around Jonny, and Jonny just leaned against him.</p><p>“Is it okay if I tell you how I feel right now or do you want to wait until later?”</p><p>Jonny shrugged. “I’m tired. I don't want to fight.”</p><p>“It doesn't have to be a fight.”</p><p>“I don't want to cry again.”</p><p>“That's fair. But if we don't talk about it now, will we end up avoiding each other again?”</p><p>Jonny mumbled something incoherent and pressed his face into Tim’s shoulder. Tim pulled him into another hug.</p><p>“What was that?”</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Say your piece. Whatever.”</p><p>“I love you.” Tim started. “I want to start this with I love you.”</p><p>“Okay.” Jonny’s voice shook.</p><p>“I- I'm mad okay? I’m really angry. And- and this is <em> really fucking awful. </em> My eyes hurt so, so, <em> so, </em> much and I <em> really wish they didn't. </em>"</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Knowing that- Knowing that I'm going to exist forever with eyes that hurt so bad I can't stand sometimes is terrifying.”</p><p>“I’m really sorry”</p><p>“I know, Jonny, I know.”</p><p>“I'm still sorry.”</p><p>“And- knowing I'm immortal makes me angry about Bertie. Because you could have saved him too. You just didn't.”</p><p>Jonny is silent.</p><p>“He died. I didn't.”</p><p>“I didn't want to condemn him to this. Immortality is awful.” Jonny argued.</p><p>“And you still made me immortal.” Tim’s voice was flat.</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>“Did you not love him?”</p><p>“Not like I love you,” Jonny said without missing a beat and Tim did <em> not </em> know what to think of that. “He- He was a mortal. I didn’t get <em> attached. </em> I mean, I <em> did</em>. It hurt a whole fucking lot when he died but he was <em> mortal. </em> Mortals die tragically all the time. Thats what they <em> do. </em>It was- it was expected.”</p><p>“Then why didn't you let me die?” Tim tried to keep the hurt out of his tone.</p><p>“Because.. I don't know Tim! By the end I just- I loved you. I love you. I don't want to exist without you.” </p><p>“I don't want to exist without him.” Tim said bitterly. And maybe Jonny was right when he said this was going to be a fight, because Tim was starting to feel pissed off.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Jonny tried, voice shaking.</p><p>“You’re lying.” Tim’s voice cut through him. “You’re not.”</p><p>Jonny pulled out of Tim’s hug, curling over his arms and looking anywhere but in Tim’s direction</p><p>“I said I was selfish, Tim. I'm an awful, horrible person. I wanted to keep you alive because <em> I wanted too. </em>Because despite knowing how fucking awful immortality is, I wanted you. I want you with me. Bertie died and while yes, I did care for him, ultimately I didn't love him like I love you. Bertie was just another mortal I grew fond of.”</p><p>Tim went a bit still at that.</p><p>“Yeah, if things went different you both would’ve joined us on Aurora until you died but that <em> didn't happen</em>.  You’re <em> you. </em>You're going to hate me for making you immortal. You're going to hate me for what I am. But I'm selfish Tim. and I didn't want you to die. I don't.. I don't have some profound reason. Some proper end all reason other than I love you and I wanted to.”</p><p>“Oh.” Was all Tim managed. Sounding strangled. That.. made sense. It made sense even as it cut through him.</p><p>“I’m not a good person, Tim. and I made you immortal for <em> me </em> . No other reason. I didn't make Bertie immortal because it didn't occur to me, and I wouldn't. <em> I still wouldn't. </em> I don't love him enough to condemn him to this.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Do you want me to go?” Jonny asked, looking up. His eyes were red and teary. Eyeliner smudged to hell with his tears. </p><p>“No,” Tim said after a moment. “Please stay.”</p><p>Jonny looked shocked. “Okay.”</p><p>“Okay. Jonny. I- I can't say I understand. And <em> it really fucking hurts. </em> But it's- we can work on it. We’ll work on it.”</p><p>“Okay.” Jonny wiped at his eyes, then scowled at his hand when he noticed the eyeliner. </p><p>“I’m actually going to go wash my face,” Jonny muttered, standing up. “Be back in a minute.”</p><p>Jonny walked out of his room.</p><p> </p><p>Tim took a moment to catch his breath.</p><p>He didn't know what to think.</p><p>It.. made sense in a way. It made horrifying sense.</p><p>Of course, he’d always known Jonny wasn't a good person. Always known Jonny enjoyed the violence a <em> bit </em>too much.</p><p>But he hadn’t minded it, because Jonny was there when Bertie was still shooting, after the Toy Solider vanished, Jonny was there when Bertie was recovering from a gunshot and couldn't hold his hand and comfort him during the fighting.</p><p> </p><p>Jonny was there for him.</p><p>Was there after Bertie died choking on the gas. </p><p>Was there to keep him from immediately getting himself killed.</p><p>Jonny was there.</p><p> </p><p>He loved Jonny.</p><p>And this... This didn't change that.</p><p>They would have to talk about this more, and putting a painting over a hole in the wall didn't change its existence, but for now...</p><p> </p><p>For now, Tim just wanted to cuddle with Jonny.</p><p> </p><p>A few minutes later, Jonny walked back in. Eyeliner missing and with a significantly less frantic demeanor. “Do you still want me to be here?”</p><p>“Yes, Jonny. I- I haven’t properly held you in weeks. You haven't been with me for even longer. I don't care about- any of anything else right now. I just want you.”</p><p>Jonny smiled haltingly, before clambering onto the bed, He laid down next to Tim, placing a tender hand on Tim’s cheek. Tim leaned into it, smiling.</p><p>“Can I kiss you?” Jonny asked, already leaning forward.</p><p>“Of course,” Tim mumbled, leaning forward to meet halfway.</p><p>It was a short kiss, nothing more than a promise of love, but they both were smiling, both laughing now.</p><p>Tim took care not to jostle his eyes too badly as he took off the goggles, before setting them on the nightstand and slowly maneuvered so he was resting with his head on Jonny’s chest, The tick of Jonny’s heart was comforting and familiar. Tim dimmed his eyes until his vision was dark as Jonny stroked his hair, before he started braiding small braids.</p><p>This was nice. Tim decided. And no matter how much he hated his eyes, no matter how awful everything is, at least Jonny was here.</p><p>That had to be good enough.</p><p>“Thank you for the goggles, Jonny.” Tim mumbled.</p><p>“‘Welcome.” Jonny cooed, pressing a kiss to the top of Tims’s head. “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too.”</p><p>“I love you more.” The smile in Jonny’s voice was audible.</p><p>“Shush!” Tim laughed, squeezing Jonny’s hand.</p><p> </p><p>And somehow, Tim knew they were going to be okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i love this fic so much I'm very proud please comment</p></blockquote></div></div>
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